Wednesday, 15 August 2012

On being massively tired and having a meltdown

Holy goddamned mother of all that is good I am tired. I just had a massive freakout that involved me throwing a pillow at my precious bookcase, tears and imaginary conversations. And I haven't had a decent meal for an entire week. I am really on the edge of murdering someone. 

Apparently this is what waking up everyday at 5 am will do to a previously collected reasonable young woman. It will make your brain insane and will make you hate every goddamn person in the planet who gets more sleep than you do. 
It's not that I hate college, I like it ( there are a couple of a lot of things bothering me but I can handle it) but going from waking up at 11-12 or even 1 pm to waking up at 5 fucking in the morning EVERY SINGLE DAY is too much. Hopefully I'll get used to it and not hate life so much. Still...

I had one thing going on for me today. One single little tiny thing that made me able to keep collected and not turn into this crazy frantic person who is writing this. One thing. And it didn't happen, and it turned me into this teary eyed monster with smudged mascara. ONE THING! 
Is it too much to ask? Have I had too many good things happen to me that the universe needed to fuck this day over to balance shit out? Is it too much to ask for people to keep their promises or show even the slightest of interest in what fucking goes on in your freaking life!? Am I being unreasonable? The answer to the last question is probably yes. I am having a full meltdown as I write this and have felt like shit since 4:00 pm today, so... 

Life sometimes sucks. And sometimes people mess up. And sometimes people overreact. And sometimes I just don't feel like talking to other people. Sometimes I like to be left alone and have a full meltdown. Sometimes I like to loose myself in my feelings and sort them out on my own either writing or reading or sleeping or cooking. Sometimes I just need me time. More so when I get angry at things that I know I shouldn't be making a big fuzz about. Sometimes... sometimes you surprise yourself with the reaction you have to certain shit that goes on in your life and it freaks you out and you have a meltdown because feelings are scary and sometimes the only way you can react is by overreacting and going crazy and writing it all down so other people get to see your maniac word vomit. Sometimes you feel hurt and you hurt other people and then feel like crap for doing so. And sometimes you just need to go to bed early... 

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